Who will you meet in Heaven ?

This morning I re-read an email I had received from a woman I met in training while we both learned about how to become volunteers at the domestic violence shelter in the town where I live here in Southern Nevada.  She’s one of the nicest women I’ve ever met, and her career involves conflict management.  The email shared a story about a woman who is traveling the world to help combat what she describes as the ‘rape culture’ in college.  The woman who shared the email with me knew that I had taken to the airwaves and gone ‘undercover’ if you will to help educate about mutual respect for both genders and my desire to reach the male population to help them learn about the reality of the crime, and advocate not only for women but for men, as well.

As I sit writing, missing so much of what was, I am reminded by my own inner voice to be grateful of what is. There are times when we go in certain direction only to find ourselves somewhere that’s quite different than where we had intended to travel. It’s not always easy to accept that things did not necessarily work out as planned but when we take a moment to think and we realize that we are not always the ones in control, and perhaps God (or the universe) has placed us exactly where we He needs us.

Remember that story, The Five People You Meet in Heaven?

He’s just not that into you … I know

Ugh, I hate this movie! Almost as much as I hate that movie, The Ugly Truth.  As much as we fail to read the writing on the wall, there it is, plain as day! Staring back at us, with sharp edges.  What does it say, “He’s just not that into you.” So what’s a girl to do?  First of all, it’s probably a good idea to not put yourself in the position in the first place.  If he’s married to someone else, and has chosen not to sever the relationship, for whatever reason, accept that he’s just not that into you and walk away.  You deserve to be valued, you deserve to be respected, and if he’s just not that into you, it’s okay.  There’s somebody out there who will be, and it’s better to be ready for when he shows up, than to sit around and stay stuck and hoping.  #notetoself

Stop being so sad, you live in Vegas!

I was definitely feeling homesick last week and being home sick, literally surely didn’t help matters.  I miss Madison Square Garden, and I miss ‘the city’ and I miss waking up and being able to walk to the beach!!! I also miss teaching, and seeing the kids in school, only I came out to Vegas for a reason, and even though things have not yet worked out to exactly as planned, it’s not as though things are all bad!!! In fact, most of the time I’m super happy I decided to move out here, despite missing my home.  So for what it’s worth, thank you to all of those who took the time to text, call and comment on my Facebook page, and remind me that just because my friends are far away physically, doesn’t mean that they are far away.  Also, what’s so wrong with selling insurance for now, maybe forever, if it’s something I believe in?  Maybe I ought to turn my mindset around and start looking at the glass half full, right?

It’s not that I do not understand the label that’s attached to salespeople who ‘whore’ themselves out there and just do things to make a quick buck.  That’s never been me, and it never will be me.  I’m so much more than that, and if someone accuses me of doing somthing just to make commission, why should I take it to heart, when I know it’s not true?  Besides, it’s not as though I don’t have my business, and my dreams of making MondayNightFantasy.com into something special someday, just things take time, right?  Right!

So let’s count the positives that have happened since I left my home back East:

  1. I have a really nice apartment and the rent is about $600. a month cheaper
  2. Of course, it’s not a block away from the beach, but ……..
  3. I have a really nice group of friends and I would not trade them for anything
  4. I have met some awesome folks who invited me to handicap and be on their radio program every Friday morning to pre-record, and it’s so much fun!
  5. I wake up and see the mountains and an amazing view of The Strip
  6. The weather is amazing most months of the year
  7. I managed to land a pretty cool job which will allow me flexibility to keep my business going, and also allow me to purchase health insurance for way less than what I was paying
  8. I have spent most of the past year with someone who’s been incredibly nice and there for me during some of the roughest times, when I’ve been super homesick
  9. I have my health and I still have a heart, a brain and I’m working on that courage!!!

I still get mad at things I probably should not get mad at, and I wish I could just click my heels like Dorothy did or did not do, and end up in my bedroom back home.  Only home is where your heart is, and as much as I miss back East, and what I used to do, what I’m doing isn’t all that bad.  I wish I was able to teach out here, but for whatever reason …. I suppose it’s time to focus on what I can do, rather than what I can’t do and decide to be happy! Thank you to everyone who reminded me to put my ‘big girl pants on’ and stop being sad.  Set backs happen, and having the rug pulled out from me AGAIN on the Monday Night Fantasy contest didn’t help my mindset, but in the big picture, I guess it doesn’t really matter.  Somethings are just not meant to be.  Onward!

 

 

Did I really sign on to sell insurance?

There are days where I swear this is not my life.  What happened to the days when I would wake up, drive my son to school, and then find my way to the courthouse?  Or better yet, what happened to my apartment in New York City, and my son’s crib?  Where have the years gone?  Nothing has turned out the way it was supposed to, and for the life of me, I don’t remember what happened to the book I was supposed to be writing, or that prince who was supposed to show up, and propose we get married at the speedway.  Did I really let go of my apartment by the beach?  Say it isn’t so!

And now, as if things weren’t bad enough, I am pretty sure I signed on to sell insurance!  I used to have an office, a view of the city, and clients!!! Can somebody help me understand what’s happened?  Better yet, do you have any leads, because I need to make rent, and I sell insurance! Ugh, I swear in my mind, there seems to be nothing worse than this, so how on earth do I change my mindset and decide that this is what I’m supposed to be doing???

I didn’t move to Vegas to sell insurance! So what are the odds that I will be successful at this new venture?  Is God playing a joke on me and putting me right back where I started?  What sets me apart from all those other folks out there who sell insurance?  Why would someone want to give me an opportunity to quote on their coverages?  Someone once told me there’s an “insurance whore” standing on every corner, and that’s such a horrible thought to behold.  Working for commission, couldn’t I have found some other way to make it in Vegas?

Stay tuned . . . it can’t get much worse! 😉

 

Do men really prefer dumb blondes?

When I was young, blondes were associated with being dumb.  I had blonde hair, did that mean I was dumb?  “Of course not,” my father used to say, “Your hair is dirty blonde, anyway.”

Recently a friend of mine began working for an internet site that posted this interesting statement, which for all I know may have been supported by qualitative research, that declared that although men think smart women are sexy, they prefer to gravitate toward women whom they are superior to when it comes to intelligence.  Seems crazy to me, especially when intelligence can be measured in so many ways.  Only, that’s not to say I don’t get it, because I do.

Over the past several years, I have joked about not really being sexy but playing that role on Twitter.  It’s a lot of tongue and cheek, but at the core of my statement, there is substance and truth.  It’s not that I do not consider myself sexy, but there’s a difference between being sexy and being sexy.  There really is.  When a professional role is one that allows you to be sexy, and it’s part of the appeal, it’s acceptable to use sex appeal in your work, but it’s not so when you are expected to be professional.  In that case, you are supposed to tone it down, not aim to seduce your client, but rather impress with your intellect.

My point here, I suppose, is that if someone meets me when I’m out and I’m in a role that’s meant to be sexy, working with a sports talk radio program allows you that freedom, might not welcome the professional woman they come to know.  I suppose actors might have similar plights when they end up being real, as opposed to the character they played in a movie role.

The people I met while tweeting for a radio program, who knew me as a ‘social media gal’ seemed to drop me like a hot potato when they realized I was an intelligent buisness woman.  Was I all the sudden less than?  It seems so.  It’s happened in both my personal and business worlds.  It causes me to think about that quote, and wonder if it’s true.  Do men prefer to be around people who do not challenge them intellectually?  Is it good to know, but not know more?

What’s an intelligent person supposed to do, when they find that the opposite sex prefers them to be dumb or at least dumber than?  If you open your mouth and words come out, and they happen to make sense, should you tone it down so that you do not appear to be intelligent, or more so just to keep the guy?  If you know me, you already know my answer.

Yours truly,

DB

 

Is @BillOReilly a bad guy?

I have always liked Bill O’Reilly.  I don’t know him personally, but I wish I did.  In fact, he’s probably one of the people I’d include on the list of people I would most like to have a conversation with about just about anything.  No doubt, I would learn something, probably lots of things.

I bring him up because yesterday I happened to be listening to the radio, and Bill was a guest on the show.  He was talking about his new book, Killing England, and about how he was set up in what he referred to as a ‘hit’ in a smear campaign by those with opposing views from his own.  His words echoed loudly, almost as a warning for Americans to pay attention, as we allow people to remove reminders of our country’s history.

Some say if you fail to understand the argument of those with opposing views, you fail to understand your own stance.  So even if you’re not a fan of Mr. O’Reilly, or agree with him on various issues. it’s probably not such a bad idea, if you take the time to listen to what he has to say.

The closest I ever came to meeting him was when I interviewed Alison Levine, the amzing woman who climbed Mt Everest, and does so much for so many.  We were having dinner in New York City, and Bill was sitting next to us, no doubt discussing something of substance.

Is Bill a bad guy?  Did he make mistakes which caused him to deserve being ousted from his perch on whichever television network ran his show?  Or was he a victim of a smear campaign?  Bill referred to the entertainment and news industry of which he was a part of for so many years, as hateful.  Such a shame, when people set out to destroy others without any regard.

Objective journalism and an opinion column are about as similar as the Bible and Playboy magazine – Walter Cronkite

 

 

 

Sometimes things fall apart …

It’s 4 am and I can’t sleep, so rather than toss and turn, I turn to writing.  It’s what I do when I am thinking, thinking and then thinking some more.  What’s that they say, about sleeping when you’re dead?  I’ll probably end up writing then, too.

So what’s on my mind that I want to share or at least get off my chest?  Things are happening, changing and the reasons I came to Vegas Vs. what’s happened once I got out here, are somewhat clouded at the moment.  For one thing, I never expected to take a position with a risk management firm and re-enter the industry I had left, but it feels like home to me.  The industry, and the firm I’ve aligned with, both give me a sense of belonging and although it was not necessarily part of my plan when I came out here, it’s what’s happened.

I’m also super excited about the prospect of the radio show, BetsLikeAGirl, for so many reasons.  For one, it’s my own creation and it’s fun to see what you can do when you begin something without any particular direction coupled with a sense of knowing that you’re on to something. The world has changed, and women have careers, power, and positions of status and with that comes money to spend.  So what then, do so many in the sports industry still cater to men, and think that women have no place in the overall marketing plan?

The other day someone wrote to me and said, “Thank you for being a voice of change.” That person works with the domestic violence shelter I volunteer for, and I was surprised when I got the message.  I’ve never been one to sit back and accept the status quo, and at the risk of pissing people off, I will share when I see something that seems does not feel right to me.

So how do I make sense of all that I’ve done since I moved to Vegas?  Perhaps focusing on empowerment, in the manner I’ve always done.  Creating my own radio program that honors women, in a subtle way? Creating strategic risk management plans for non-profit organizations, that matter to me?  Being a woman over 40, who will not let stereotypes cloud her choice to feel sexy?  Will those things be on the table?

Stay tuned, the rest is still unwritten.  Thanks for reading, even if you’re not there.  The expression of gratitude is there, just in case you are.

Perhaps I said it wrong . . .

This morning I shared a post about something I had read involving what one writer referred to as, ‘Volunteer Burn Out,’ and I got a lot of comments on Facebook and Twitter.  Some wrote and shared that they understood and advised to follow my heart and intuitive guide, and that it’s okay to take a step back to re-evaluate where you want to give your time.  Others, and one person in particular, commented about how it’s not really about me and that it’s more about the mission and helping.  To sum it up, she shared that she felt that what mattered most is that people give of their time, that they do not look for recognition or appreciation, but that they consider the people they are helping.  It’s not that I disagree, and I think it’s important to be mindful that no task is above any of us, and if it’s handing out bottles of water to those in need, but you have a law degree, it’s not necessary that you do legal work for the organization you are volunteering for, because as she said, it’s not a job.

We have all had our share of relationships where we feel that our time is not valued and we have all had our experiences when we sign on to do things and then feel as though we are not appreciated.  It’s also okay to say, “No.” My point was merely that.  If you wake up and are sad and feeling under-valued, after giving your heart, soul and time to an organization, it’s okay (in my opinion) to reevaluate and decide if there might be a better place for you to spend your time.  It also might just be time to take a break, re-assess the reasons you signed on to volunteer in the first place, and then go from there.  It’s okay to take time for yourself when you need it, and that’s all I was trying to say.

Could the reason I’m so sad, be ‘Volunteer Burnout?’

Last night I asked my boyfriend if he wanted to join me this Saturday to help out at the local domestic violence shelter.  He’s got this pretty important job in the construction industry and knows a lot of about tiling and stuff, and the shelter was looking for folks to do stuff on Saturday that I had no doubt he could handle.  I thought if we did it together it might be fun.  He responded by telling me he had already signed on to ‘volunteer’ to help somewhere else and so if I wanted to help out at the shelter, I was going to be on my own.  I sent a brief email over to the person in charge, and said I could be there by 9:30 on Saturday morning.  Then I went to sleep, and when I woke up I felt so sad.

I have started to notice that ever since I signed on to volunteer at the non-profit organization that helps victims of domestic violence, I have been incredibly sad.  Only, it’s not necessarily for reasons that have anything to do with domestic violence, but rather more so for reasons that have to do with what might be an epidemic that’s sweeping the nation referred to by some as ‘volunteer burnout.’  Then again, it might be something else.

‘Volunteer Burnout’ is described by John Barrymore in the article below which begins by asking a simple question, “Do you feel sad, tired and stressed out?  Are you overwhelmed by all the things you have to do?”  It then goes on to talk about how you can sign on to ‘over-commit’ yourself and discusses how you’re not alone.  “Many adults have trouble using the word, “No,” Barrymore contends, and of course this is something I already know.

Only, I’m not so sure I feel ‘Volunteer Burnout’ because I have over-committed or rather feel a sense of sadness because my education and experience does not seem to be valued by the organization.  Perhaps, if I were doing something that seemed to be more in alignment with what I’m good at, maybe I would not feel so sad.  Ironically, there’s a quote tacked to my refrigerator that I happened to find in a bag from the boutique where purchases help this organization, and it says, “A person will do more when they feel appreciated.”

As with anything, moderation is key to having a good balance.  As much as I like to help out, I have to remember that it’s okay to put my own needs first and if an organization I am volunteering for does not seem to respect its volunteers or value others, it’s mission is faulty, no matter what it claims.  Non-profits need to remember that at the very core it’s those who give of their time, who deserve nothing less than the respect they profess to want for others.

I ended up sending an email over to the person in charge and saying I will not be able to make it on Saturday morning.  I have decided it will be okay to spend the day focusing on my own needs, rather than always giving of my time for others.  Keeping in mind one needs to put the oxygen mask on one’s self before they are any good to another, I think I need to just breathe.

http://money.howstuffworks.com/economics/volunteer/information/volunteer-burnout.htm#.WW-eFL8khH0.twitter

Is 90% too low? #SexualAssault #DrunkenSex

Perhaps I would get fired if I worked for one of those big network television stations, if I dared to suggest such a thing, and in that case it’s probably a good thing that I am, perhaps one of the few remaining, who is able to speak my mind, and not worry about the repercussions.  It’s not like someone is going to blast me for what I say here, I mean for all I know, nobody even reads my thoughts about our criminal justice systems (and yes, there are two).

Maybe nobody took the time to read that book written by the author Scott Turow, about the ‘limitations’ in the system which portrayed a fictional judge facing what took place in his college years. Troubling as it was, he came to realize that some of the things that went on when he was in college might not have been lawful, and could have been attributed to the risky behavior so often exhibited by college ‘kids.’

Yesterday, in the midst of horrific news that was unfolding about four young men, whom many would still refer to as ‘boys’ may have been murdered by another young man, there was a backlash on social media, and in the regular media, as well.  It had to do with something someone said, and the apology that came afterwards.

Before I continue, I want to say that I have not taken the time to listen to the words or read the words that were first spoken that supposedly were ‘flippant’ and alleged that about 90% for all sexual assault on campus can be attributed to “drunken sex” but I will, only I can already form an opinion on the way the media ran with what was said.  How horribly to suggest such a thing, it’s so wrong and it’s blaming the victim, is what was going across the screen in one way or another.  Really?  I am not defending the person who said anything, and of course, numbers such as these should be backed up with a credible study, but if what was said holds any validity should there have been an apology for what was said, as opposed to how it was said or that it was perhaps an opinion rather than a fact?  If that’s the case, then yes it’s wrong for anyone is such a high position to state something alleging something such as this without the credible backup data BUT…

What bothers me is that we as a society overall seem to be afraid to talk about the role alcohol and drugs play in criminal acts, especially sexual assault.  Why???? If we do no understand our opponent’s argument we will fail to understand our own.  Why are some of us so afraid to consider that sexual assault is often triggered by irrational, primal behavior that might have been triggered by a substance such as alcohol or drugs?  We have no problem looking at drugs or alcohol as a contributing factor in deaths on our highway, so why then is it wrong to think that “drunken sex” is alive and well on campus, to the point that it’s an epidemic and the largest contribution to sexual assault, overall?

I do not take full responsibility for what happened to me when I was sexually assaulted at the time when I was too drunk to make proper decisions, and was if I remember correctly 23 years old, but I also know that I did allow myself to drink too much, would not ever do that again, and learned the hard way how horribly crucial it was that I keep my wits about me when I was around those who were drinking.  Some lessons in life come to us by learning from mistakes and it just plain sucks, but that does mean it’s wrong to take some responsibility for your part in what happened.  It also does not excuse the actions of the other party but at least if we look at the circumstances with a desire for totality of circumstances rather than through rose-colored glasses, we can begin to look for solutions rather than blame.

In my opinion, it is not wrong to suggest that a person be mindful that alcohol and drugs can lead them to make incredibly risky choices that can land them dead, raped or in dangerous worlds.  It is also not wrong to tell someone it’s risky to run alone in Central Park.  Of course, it’s a shame that a person should not feel completely free to exhibit such freedom and that running alone in Central Park is not a welcome mat for sexual predators, but it’s not wrong to say that running solo can put one at risk.  Add the variables of running alone at dark, and being drunk and you’re going to increase your chances of something horrible happening.  It’s prudent risk management, of one’s person, to take good care of one’s self.

The actual number of “drunkensex” is not going to ever be known, and the true number of sexual assault is not going to be known, because it’s perhaps one of the most underreported crimes.  Yet, speak to those who have examined their own behavior after they were sexually assaulted, or survey young men and ask them without judging them if they are truly able to manage their brains when they drink too much, and you might realize that very often alcohol does play a role in criminal behavior.  We MUST not be afraid to talk truth, and we must realize that it’s NOT blaming a victim for the crime, but it is educating others about variables that might put one at risk.  We should be talking to both men and women about what can happen to you if you let yourself drink too much.  Googling about what happens to a man after he’s had nine shots, and he’s lying dead in a basement is not going to help when you are facing charges for his death.  These are things we need to know before the man is dead, not after.